Confidence Is Not Built In
Confidence can be defined as the belief in our ability to succeed in a specific situation or accomplish certain tasks. It doesn’t intimidate or perform, but comes from something more centered. It’s something you just know is there, and that’s enough. I never had it as a child. Lucky for me, I met someone who did!
I was five years old when my family moved into our new home. I don’t remember the actual packing, moving, and unpacking, but I do remember the knock on the door. It was the second day, and I was in awe of my very own bedroom.
It was bright yellow, with two windows covered with white shutters and short curtains, dingleballs along the bottom hem. As I lay on the one single bed, wondering what to do, the knock came at the front door. I overheard Mom’s voice and a young girl’s. Suddenly, Mom opened my door and hurried me out to meet my soon-to-be best friend!
There stood a cute little girl telling me she, too, was five years old, lived two houses down, and would I like to play. Without one bit of worry or concern, she took over my day, then my whole summer! I, on the other hand, was shocked that Mom would let me go out with a stranger to a distant school playground; I was filled with worry and concern. I was still missing my friend Marcy from the old house, and here was this new, energetic, confident person kidnapping me!
But this self-reliant, lively person never let me down. By the end of our first summer together, we were set in stone. She led, and I followed, a perfect pair. She carried herself with a confidence and assuredness I could rely on.
It wasn’t until eight years later that I began to build the aplomb Michele had at five. Which coincided with the winter I learned to ski.
My favorite cousins had a little condo in the newly emerging Snowmass ski area, and I was invited to spend spring break with them. I knew nothing of the sport, used hand-me-down equipment, and listened to every instruction cousin Jimmy gave. Along with his daughter, Andy, my pea-in-a-pod cousin, we did anything he said, as long as we could do it together. Slowly, we got the hang of wedge turns (push through with your knee), then the stem-christy turn (release the edge and slide the skis together).
The following year, we went skiing over Thanksgiving break. I didn’t even notice it was the first Thanksgiving away from my parents! By the end of those wonderful five days, I felt enough like a skier to go on our high school ski weekend with Michele and feel equal in skill and confidence. A reaffirming moment happened when Dad took me shopping for my first ski coat and goggles. Even he thought I could ski!
But then a real test came on the next Snowmass spring trip.
It was a beautiful, sunny day on the best mountain slope with my favorite cousins - until we hit the mogul-covered trail with a black diamond at the top signaling a very difficult run. Panic struck and overcame. I was certain there was no way I could get down that hill. Complete loss of confidence. Have you ever experienced such a moment? It can be debilitating - it was for me. In the midst of this dreaded feeling came a voice - first Jimmy’s, then Andy’s, then my own, that said: “You can do this.” Oh, it was slow and ugly, but bump by bump, I gained enough self-confidence to finish with a “WooHoo” and hit the chairlift ready to do it again. (I smile at the memory) There were other challenges on the ski slopes, but I gained assurance in my ability by overcoming them.
For all my skiing years afterwards, into marriage and childbearing and through starting a business, I could call on this one moment and say, “You can do this.” Silly to think one sunny afternoon could have such a positive effect, but if the cornerstone is set, confidence builds on itself, and we can nurture ourselves to grow in composure. The more times we do the things we are afraid of, the more we gain. And let’s face it, marriage and child rearing are two very frightening things!
I asked a psychologist friend whether confidence is nature or nurture; her response was an immediate "nurture"! Without people cheering us on and encouraging us, sharing new adventures to try, it is more difficult to develop self-assuredness. Taking action, even in small steps, can create a sense of accomplishment that can be shared in other arenas. A coach, a parent, a best friend, or a favorite cousin builds the needed groundwork. As a nod to this theory, I remember thinking at Jimmy’s funeral, “Because you believed in me, I believed in me. Thank you for being my mentor.”
Confidence isn’t built in, according to most of the research I could find. Genetics, DNA, has been found to form 7% to 25% of our confidence level. Some will say up to 50%, but the environment we grow up in is far more important than what we are born with. When a child knows they are loved and surrounded by a village of loving, caring people, willing to challenge them, it’s a beautiful start to self-assuredness. Confidence is a skill, not a personality trait, developed through experience and positive support. Lucky is the child whose parents offer them many opportunities to succeed, fail, try, and accomplish.
Michele spent a lifetime impressing me with her courage and poise. I got a later start, but I managed and grew in self-esteem with a strong role model to look up to. We have traveled through relationships, businesses, travel experiences, and grandparenting. We watched as our kids became parents and wondered where they got the guts to do it all, realizing we had told them they could!
She still leads, and I still follow. I don’t just follow because of her confidence, but also my own, gained through overcoming fear, learning skills, and trying new challenges.
Do you remember when you first felt confident in yourself?
Bit by bit, that’s all she wrote…