Across the Miles
When your immediate family lives far away, it can be a problem. Do you stay put or move closer?
I hear that question discussed quite often among my peers. Having married, raised children and retired from our careers, we find ourselves with too much house for the two of us. When loved ones reside several states and a plane ride away, there is much to consider. My husband and I think about this a lot.
Only a generation ago, the nuclear family was more cohesive than today. Parents and grandparents lived close by, often on the same block. Both of my grandparents lived in Brooklyn, and their siblings resided nearby. It was not unusual for an aunt or uncle to stop in for dinner. When my parents married, they set out for the suburbs, a mere twenty-minute drive. My grandparents were devastated by their move. It was as if Mom and Dad were moving to Kansas.
Historically, my parents began a nationwide transition from the inner cities to the suburbs. Lured by low-interest GI mortgage rates, a detached home with a backyard, and a garage, they sought to fulfill the Great American Dream. Many of my generation grew up visiting our grandparents by car. Every Sunday, we piled into Betsy, the well-worn Buick, (didn’t we all name our cars back then?) and drove to visit relatives in the old neighborhood.
Things are very different today. Increased mobility has scattered families across the country. Our children have their own plans and dreams, and their decisions can influence our own. Gathering for dinners and social outings is easy when everyone lives close by. I envy my friends who are just a phone call away for babysitting or emergency help. Having children reside in the same state is a blessing for some. Still, others like me, are separated by great distances. It can be a struggle to close the gap between staying in place and missing our children and beloved grandchildren.
Studies suggest that physical proximity to family contributes to positive health outcomes. Grandparents who regularly engage with their grandchildren tend to live longer and healthier lives. Grandchildren, likewise, benefit from this arrangement. It is hard to argue with this evidence, but try squaring that with the familiar adage, “You cannot follow your adult children around.” Consider the misfortune of parents moving closer to their children, only to have them move away due to unforeseen circumstances.
Either choice presents its challenges. Moving closer to your children means leaving a network of cherished friends and established community ties. Expectations can be high for families to fill the social void. Healthy boundaries are necessary to avoid straining these relationships. Yet, those who remain apart from family often feel loneliness from missing out on holidays and special celebrations.
Can we remain close when great distances come between us? With improved modes of communication, staying in touch is easier than ever. Besides phone calls and Facetime, annual traditions help to foster close familial ties. We plan our visits for birthdays and holidays and look forward to the yearly tailgate and college football game. With careful planning and mutual commitment, we strive for regular visits.
Staying close to family can be challenging. In some ways, this is true whether our loved ones live five miles away or five thousand. Despite great distances, parents can remain close to their children and grandchildren. It takes extra effort, but the rewards are incalculable. The answer ultimately rests upon family priorities and dynamics. There are no rights or wrongs, only the solution that best fits you and your loved ones.
What do your family ties look like? How do you sustain close relationships with siblings, children, or grandchildren if you are miles apart?
Bit by bit, that’s all she wrote…