Do Your Children Know Your Passwords?
Have you ever known a family left in the dark after a beloved parent has passed away? I don't mean the darkness of grief; I mean the bleak feeling of helplessness that overcomes the children when no one knows what Mom or Dad’s wishes were. These are awful decisions, even when they are written on a form, let alone when a family is left without guidelines. After that, the shadow over immediate decisions about finances, homes, and possessions can cause a dull panic.
I saw this happen recently, and it was a red-flag, sirens-blaring moment as I realised I was leaving my children in a similar situation.
If, heaven forbid, both my husband and I were left unable to tell our children where we banked, where our 401(k)s were, what file contained the titles and deeds, and all the other minutiae that make up our financial situation, it would be an added burden during a sad and stressful time.
It was a loud wakeup call that kept me up all night. First thing in the morning, with a cup of coffee in hand, I sat at the computer and stared at a blank screen. Did this have to be done now? It’s unlikely my husband and I will ever be in the situation that made the alarming call. But then it hit me. As the keeper of the household books, even my husband would be a little lost if I leave this beautiful world before him.
A pen and paper are easier for this old-school scribe, so that's where I turned. Starting slowly and logically (my kids are laughing), I basically made a ledger of accounts and passwords. The eraser on the pencil was very helpful, and after an hour or so, I couldn’t think of anything else anyone would ever need to know after I expire, perish, decease, pass away, go to sleep, cross the bridge, kick the bucket, bite the dust, croak.
Obviously, I was a little punchy.
Later that afternoon, a friend, who is a better planner than I am, told me that her headstone actually stands at her empty grave. I realised that much more than financial documentation was needed to prepare and ease the process. I thought of Last Will, Power of Attorney, and Advance Healthcare Directives and Proxy! We’ve done this work, but where are the papers? These are things the kids should see before life gets too near the end - which, by the way, none of us knows when or where.
There is also the devastating situation of deciding what medical treatment should be continued in a severe illness. Here are some basics we should discuss before it’s too late. According to the Five Wishes website, https://www.fivewishes.org/for-myself/, there are five items to consider, record, and discuss.
Who do you want to make medical decisions for you if you are unable?
The kinds of medical treatment you want or don’t want.
How comfortable do you want to be?
How do you want people to treat you?
What do you want your loved ones to know?
The last three - personal, spiritual, and emotional care - seem very intuitive to me, whereas the first and second do not. This paperwork also includes a person's wishes for a funeral and burial. This outline for a living will is legal in my state, so it seemed a helpful tool.
Another serviceable and convenient item is the NOKBOX. It’s a detailed filing system for estate planning or just organising your household documents. Nokbox.com. These guidelines can help in every case, whether sudden death or even incapacitation in the prime of our lives. Terrible to think of, but necessary to be prepared for.
Even though my husband and I have talked, briefly and lightly, about end-of-life care, the specifics should be readily available to him and the kids. So my work is not done, but begun, and I am committed to finishing it. Before this writing gets posted, my husband and children will have all this depressing information at hand. It’s not fun or easy, but tonight I will sleep more soundly.
There are many journals and tools on the market to guide this, but nothing beats a conversation. Isn’t that true in most situations? Telling our children plans have been made is not comfortable and usually ends with jokes and chuckles to lighten the topic. And that’s ok as long as it’s honest. The words and numbers need to be available so everything is clear and accessible in times of grief, or shock and dismay.
Do your beneficiaries know your wishes?
Do they have access to the information they need?
If the answer is yes, it will be a gift to your children, giving them space to grieve.
P.S. Please let me know the details I am forgetting in my pursuit!
Bit by bit, that’s all she wrote…