Consequential Conversations Part 2: Silence
Yesterday, in my blog on civility, I mentioned that a silent response to disagreements that arise may be construed as apathy, agreement, or a way to avoid conflict. A silent response that is misinterpreted this way doesn’t help bring understanding or a resolution to the differences between people. However, intentional silence can be a valuable tool in making conversations that matter and can bring about change.
Silence is interesting. It can show confusion, indifference, and sadness. But it can also show determination, confidence, and caring.
-Maxime Lagacé
Active listening is a rudimentary form of silence that is vital for quality conversations. I find this type of silence particularly hard to do. I have to make an effort to listen to the other person without planning what I am going to say or waiting anxiously to share my thoughts. My brain readily makes connections and leaps to conclusions, often before the speaker is done speaking. I have to stifle my desire to share my thoughts and listen intently. When I succeed, I show respect and genuine interest in that person.
Only by actively listening, without interrupting, does the other person have the best opportunity to share their thoughts. We are also better able to decipher the speaker’s emotions and unspoken thoughts. We make deeper connections because when we truly listen, we help validate their feelings and experiences.
A pause when talking can provide the opportunity for reflection, time to process the information, and to prepare for what might come next. A break in the conversation can also give others the time to respond and contribute their thoughts. Providing a silent pause can be a sign that the speaker has respect for the other person and is open to their perspective.
During my career in education, I spoke to many groups of people – some small and some quite large – to children and adults. When I learned how to use silence through strategic pauses, I became a better speaker. These pauses can emphasize key points, create a sense of anticipation, and invite others to lean in and pay closer attention. It can be challenging to have moments of silence in front of a group. I had to get over my discomfort and my desire to fill the silence. Once I saw how well it worked, I began to feel more comfortable doing it.
I was taught as a child to make eye contact with whoever was talking to me, especially when that person was an adult. It became second nature to me. Silence accompanied by direct eye contact or nodding affirmatively lets the speaker know I am listening with understanding or agreement. This silence is not about being awkwardly quiet, but is used to enhance discourse, to connect, and foster trust, which is imperative for effective discussions leading to problem-solving.
I don’t know many people who feel comfortable during fiery or intense conversations. Using silence can help defuse the tension. It offers a chance to refrain from giving defensive responses. The break in conversation gives both parties time to regroup and to consider the other’s perspective before attempting resolution. It can lead to more authentic interactions based on genuine understanding instead of just reacting to each other’s words.
Finally, “silence can speak louder than words”. Sometimes the emotions that come up in a discussion are best responded to by a moment of silence. Accompanying these silences with a gentle smile, a warm embrace, or a simple touch can be supportive and comforting.
So, let’s work together to solve our problems and disagreements with meaningful and effective communication. To be effective, our conversations should include civility and intentional silence. Together, these lead to understanding, empathy, and respect, which lead to trust and authentic conversations that can help us find solutions to our problems and make a difference in our lives.
Bit by bit, that’s all she wrote…